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This is misery business and a horrible conclusion to one of television’s greatest series. “Dæmonicus” (Season 9, Episode 3)The first monster-of-the-week episode of season nine is even worse than the premiere (see: No. While it has some gruesome moments and an awesome sequence where Doggett gets vomited on long enough for it to be a gag on Family Guy, the plot about a demonic possession is boring and drawn out. “The Calusari” (Season 2, Episode 21)How many evil-twin stories did this show manage to pull out of its ass in nine seasons? “Nothing Important Happened Today” (Season 9, Episodes 1–2)This episode officially starts the Doggett and Reyes era, but it’s so boring and all over the place that it does away with the goodwill we had for the characters in season eight. But this time, we’re supposed to imagine his sister is the real villain, despite the fact that we saw Modell murder a bunch of people in his first appearance. This one forgoes the Super Soldiers nonsense for a cult that wants to kill Scully’s baby, or Mulder, or both.
Doggett is a madman barking at his superiors like Mulder on Adderall. Ultimately, they kidnap William and use him to turn on a spaceship so they can leave Earth.
It somehow manages to be more exploitative than an average episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. “Agua Mala” (Season 6, Episode 13)A Florida trailer parker and a hurricane monster lead to a pretty offensively bad episode.
There’s nothing redeeming in it, save for the fact that it’s just bad, not offensive, like some of the worse X-Files outings. “Sanguinarium” (Season 4, Episode 6)A bunch of plastic-surgery victims are dead, and it’s all due to witchcraft. “Teliko” (Season 4, Episode 3)A show that deals with race in a nuanced way could’ve handled a script about black people having their skin turned white, but alas, this is not that show. “Underneath” (Season 9, Episode 12)A man Doggett arrested for murder 13 years earlier turns out to not be the killer – he actually splits into two people and his other half commits the murders.
Kathy Griffin’s attempt to pull off the role of two twins (the product of a sperm-bank donor to two different women) is probably the scariest thing to ever appear on The X-Files. “First Person Shooter” (Season 7, Episode 13)Cyberpunk heroes William Gibson and Tom Maddock wrote two episodes over the course of the series, which is very awesome in theory.
Unfortunately, their second episode is a goddamn mess.
As a refresher course for the series we all fell in love with, and then slowly fell out of love with in later seasons, only to love once again once nostalgia kicked in, I’ve ranked every episode.
These rankings are based on numerous factors: enjoyability, chemistry of the leads, scariness of the monsters, and effectives of the jokes, to name a just few things (obviously technical factors are at play too).
And an episode about shark cartilage and a lame “let’s kill ourselves to save a conference room full of people” episode is beyond rude. “Space” (Season 1, Episode 9)This episode about an astronaut possibly possessed by an extraterrestrial spirit isn’t just bad.It’s a beautiful, heartfelt episode of television, where the emotional punch feels real.However, this two-part episode’s supposed wrap-up to the disappearance of Mulder’s sister forgoes aliens and government conspiracies to say that she became Rainbow Brite or whatever.It’s an incredibly disappointing conclusion to a seven-year story that was once engrossing. “The Jersey Devil” (Season 1, Episode 5)Mulder and Scully come across the monster that inspired the Jersey Devil myth.You’re better off reading about the Jersey Devil myth on Wikipedia. “Excelsis Dei” (Season 2, Episode 11)The show tries tackling rape, only the culprit is a disembodied spirit.